Emotionally Focused Therapy in Arvada, CO
What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy?
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a research-supported approach to couples therapy that helps partners understand the emotional patterns that develop between them and create more secure, connected relationships. EFT is grounded in attachment theory, which helps explain why our closest relationships have such a powerful impact on us and why we can sometimes react so strongly when we feel hurt, rejected, disconnected, or uncertain about our partner.¹
You don't have to be an expert in attachment or know anything about EFT for it to be helpful. In simple terms, EFT helps us look beneath the arguments and behaviors that are happening on the surface and understand what is really going on underneath.
Maybe one partner becomes critical or pushes for reassurance while the other shuts down or pulls away. Maybe you both become defensive and end up having the same argument over and over. From the outside, these interactions can look like communication problems. But underneath them, there are often much more vulnerable emotions and attachment needs.
You may be asking, “Do I matter to you?” “Can I count on you?” or “Are you really there for me?”
EFT was developed by Sue Johnson and Leslie Greenberg in the 1980s and has since become a well-established approach to couples therapy.² Research over several decades has examined EFT's effectiveness for relationship distress, including randomized controlled trials and systematic reviews.³
What I appreciate most about EFT is that it doesn't ask couples to figure out who is right or who is the problem. Instead, it helps us understand the cycle that has developed between you and your partner.
Looking Beneath the Surface
I often use the metaphor of an iceberg when explaining EFT. The part above the water is what we can see: anger, criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, silence, or repeated arguments about the same issue. But there is usually much more underneath.
Anger may be protecting hurt. Criticism may be covering fear or loneliness. Withdrawal may be a way of protecting yourself when you feel like you can't get it right. EFT helps us slow those interactions down so we can become curious about the more vulnerable emotions and needs underneath them.
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How Does Emotionally Focused Therapy Work, and Who Can It Help?
EFT can be helpful for couples who feel caught in repetitive conflict, emotional disconnection, communication difficulties, trust concerns, intimacy issues, or pursue-and-withdraw patterns. Research has found EFT to be effective in reducing relationship distress and improving relationship satisfaction, although outcomes vary across studies and couples.³
One of the first things we work toward is understanding your negative cycle. Rather than seeing one partner as the cause of the problem, we look at the pattern that takes over when you both become emotionally activated.
For example, one partner may become increasingly frustrated when they don't feel heard and start pushing harder for a response. The other may experience that intensity as criticism or pressure and begin to shut down. The more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws—and the more the other withdraws, the more alone and desperate the first partner feels.
Once you can recognize the cycle, we can begin slowing it down. We explore what happens emotionally for each of you in those moments and what you are trying to communicate or protect. This can make it easier to move from blaming and defending toward more vulnerable and meaningful conversations.
Rather than simply teaching you how to communicate more effectively, EFT helps you understand why communication becomes so difficult when you feel disconnected from one another. Over time, couples can develop a clearer understanding of their own emotional responses and their partner's experience, making room for greater vulnerability, responsiveness, and connection.
EFT isn't about eliminating conflict or making sure you and your partner always agree. Every relationship will have difficult moments. The hope is that you can begin to experience those moments differently—to recognize the cycle sooner, understand what is happening underneath it, and find ways to turn toward each other rather than becoming increasingly disconnected.
I also incorporate my broader training and therapeutic perspective into my work with couples. EFT gives us a framework for understanding your relationship, while our work together is tailored to the particular people, history, and circumstances that have brought you to therapy.
EFT During Pregnancy and Parenthood
I have a particular interest in working with couples during the transition to parenthood. Pregnancy, childbirth, and caring for young children can place significant stress on a relationship as responsibilities, routines, identities, and priorities change. EFT can help couples understand what may be happening underneath arguments about parenting, household responsibilities, intimacy, or feeling unsupported. Sometimes what looks like a disagreement about who is doing more is also about wanting to feel valued, cared for, or able to rely on your partner.
This is one reason EFT fits so naturally with my work with couples and postpartum clients.
My Experience With Emotionally Focused Therapy
I have completed more than 100 hours of in-depth training in Emotionally Focused Therapy, including the EFT Externship, EFT Couples Therapy Core Skills Training, and EFT Essentials in Emotionally Focused Family Therapy.
I was drawn to EFT because it fits so naturally with how I already think about relationships. I don't believe that people are simply difficult, irrational, or bad at relationships. I believe that if we could understand someone's whole story and what they are trying to protect, much of their behavior would make more sense.
That doesn't mean that hurtful behavior doesn't matter or that we ignore the ways partners can hurt one another. It means that we get curious about what is happening underneath. What happens inside you when you feel criticized? What are you afraid might happen when you reach for your partner and they don't respond? What does your partner experience when they shut down? What are both of you longing for underneath the cycle?
My role is to create a warm, compassionate, and nonjudgmental environment where both partners can feel heard and understood. I don't take sides, and I don't believe that one person needs to be “fixed” for a relationship to change. Instead, we work together to understand the patterns between you and explore new ways of responding to one another.
Why I Use EFT in My Practice
There are many approaches to couples therapy, and I don't believe there is one method that is right for every couple. EFT resonates with me because it recognizes that our relationships matter deeply and that many of the behaviors we struggle with in relationships make more sense when we understand the emotions and attachment needs underneath them.
I also appreciate that EFT doesn't require you to choose between being accountable for your own behavior and having compassion for yourself or your partner. We can acknowledge the ways you have hurt one another while also becoming curious about the cycle that keeps the hurt going. My goal isn't to teach you to have a perfect relationship. It's to help you understand what happens between you, develop more compassion for yourselves and each other, and create new ways of responding when the relationship feels difficult.
Is Emotionally Focused Therapy Right for You?
If you and your partner feel stuck in the same patterns, struggle to reconnect after conflict, or feel emotionally distant despite loving one another, EFT may be a good fit. It can also be helpful if you're navigating a major transition and want support understanding how those changes are affecting your relationship.
You don't need to know whether EFT is the right approach before you reach out. We can talk about what you're experiencing, what you're hoping will change, and whether my approach feels like a good fit for you. If you're interested in learning more about EFT I offer a free 15-minute consultation. This gives us an opportunity to talk about what's bringing you to therapy, answer any questions you have about my approach, and see whether working together feels like a good fit.
References
1. Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390–407. This review describes EFT for couples as an evidence-based approach grounded in attachment theory and summarizes research on its effectiveness.
2. Greenberg, L. S., & Johnson, S. M. (1988). Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. The development of EFT is associated with Leslie Greenberg and Sue Johnson's work beginning in the 1980s. The American Psychological Association's overview of Greenberg's work also identifies Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples as a foundational 1988 text.
3. Beasley, C. C., & Ager, R. (2019). Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: A Systematic Review of Its Effectiveness Over the Past 19 Years. Journal of Evidence-Based Social Work, 16(2), 144–159. This systematic review/meta-analysis examined randomized controlled trials and found evidence supporting EFT's effectiveness for improving marital satisfaction, including maintenance of improvements at follow-up.
4. Rathgeber, M., Bürkner, P.-C., Schiller, E.-M., & Holling, H. (2019). The Efficacy of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Behavioral Couples Therapy: A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 45(3), 447–463. This meta-analysis reviewed randomized controlled trials comparing EFT and behavioral couples therapy and found meaningful improvements in relationship satisfaction following EFT, while also noting limitations such as potential publication bias.
5. Spengler, P. M., Lee, N. A., Wiebe, S. A., & Wittenborn, A. K. (2024). A comprehensive meta-analysis on the efficacy of emotionally focused couple therapy. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 13(2), 81–99. This more recent meta-analysis is listed in the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy's research database.